I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
