When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
