Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
