My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
