im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
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