this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
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What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
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Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize