Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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