I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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