96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
