That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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