I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Can't talk, ducks in the car
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
