It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
