I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
