You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
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