her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
