she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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