I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I wish life had little blips of pornography
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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