new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
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