i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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