Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
