I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
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Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
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So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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