New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
