I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I think people are normalizing furries
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
