a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
