I puked a lego.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
