I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
