I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
