I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
