shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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