So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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