Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
