lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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