you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Randomize
