I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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