I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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