Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
