He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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