sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
