My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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