Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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