My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
