I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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