I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
