and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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