note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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