Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Randomize
