The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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