Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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