In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
