I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
