I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
be right there i have to get my cape
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
