I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
