I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
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I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
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It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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