all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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