no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
