This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Randomize
