Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
my nose is crying tears of wow.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
