My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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