Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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